The long explanations many give are risky since we will begin to believe what we say without remembering what we actually said. If someone addresses what we said that we don’t remember, we will often say “I don’t understand” because of the confusion of hearing what we said we didn’t remember saying. What we remember is our intent that we begin to defend while not listening even to the defense. More confusion and then acute boredom occurs creating made up assumptions that rarely have anything to do with real time reality.

So what is the answer? Knowing we don’t know how to listen so we become willing to learn to listen. Listening is not something we do, but something we learn to do. Without the learning, listening even if it begins, stops short of hearing in the moment and remembering replaces the listening. Once remembering takes over listening , we are remembering something that either is no longer happening, or, we remember something that happened that has nothing to do with what is happening now.

Learning to listen happens when the goal of words changes. The goal to explain is replaced by the goal to grow. Growth hears the underlying pain existing. Hearing the pain, not just feeling it or oblivious to it, stimulates more growth to recognize the reality of the relationship needed to receive the solution whether it be with someone or just your relationship with yourself as someone is listening to you with your words.

Having someone to listen with you listens with you and your words spoken and unspoken. The arrangement of words spoken and unspoken begin to appear in a fluency without the arraignment of judgment.

Arraign, arraign, go away, come again no other day.

Boredom becomes curiosity that begins to play.

Play, I say, listens to today,

Today I hear tomorrow

marrying joy to sorrow.